Your Guide to Being a Complete Tool in the Gym


As a Complete Tool, it is your duty to let everyone around you know exactly how cool you are. The easiest way to do this by taking over the locker room with all your stuff, spraying yourself with body spray before working out, talking on your cell phone between sets, hogging the equipment so no one else can use it, and not picking up after yourself. You will quickly become the envy of everyone around you.

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Complete Tools are everywhere. You can find them at parks, in grocery stores and eating out in restaurants. They usually clump together in small groups of four or five and communicate using hand gestures and loud grunts. Complete Tools also spend a lot of their time at the gym. This is because nothing is more important to a Complete Tool than reminding those around him that they have inferior biceps and pecs.

It takes hard work and dedication to become a Complete Tool and not everyone is up to the challenge. There are few shortcuts and nothing can substitute real world experience.

But your training can be more efficient. And over the years I have discovered that most Complete Tools share common traits and characteristics, especially at the gym.

By learning the six behaviors I outline below, you can focus your energy in the right direction and significantly shorten the amount of time it will take you to become a Complete Tool.

1. Claim the bench in the locker room

Make it very clear that you are the most important person in the locker room and no one but you should have access to the bench. Do this by putting your gym bag, shoes, towel and any other personal gear you have on top of the bench and take up as much space as possible. Accompany this with lout grunts and big hand gestures.

2. Use body spray before working out

And use at least half the can. This will make sure your smell doesn’t go away before you’ve had a change to walk around the entire gym floor and give everyone a chance to partake in your amazing sent. If anyone begins to gag or choke, just consider it a sign of respect and admiration.

3. Talk on your phone between sets

Your friends are cooler than other people’s friends and you need let everyone know this fact. Make it clear that you are the coolest person in the gym and answer your cell phone when it rings. If you’re phone isn’t ringing (must be on vibrate), go ahead and make a call and start a conversation. Text messages count, but talking on your phone is a better way to declare ultimate coolness to those around you.

4. Hog the equipment

Your workout is obviously more important than anyone else’s workout so you should get priority on all pieces of equipment, whether you are using them or not. Just because you are talking to your friends or flexing your pecs in the mirror doesn’t mean you’ve finished your bench-press-bicep-dumbbell-chest-flye complex. And until you’re done, no one should have access to the bench but you.

5. Do bicep curls in the squat rack

After you’ve finished your bench-press-bicep-dumbbell-chest-flye complex, move over to the squat rack for more bicep work. Make sure there is at least 65 pounds on the bar and use the safety rails when possible. You should never have to deadlift anything off the ground, let along your curl bar, because this would hurt your delicate glutes and hamstrings. It’s much safer to start your bicep curls from a standing position.

6. Don’t put the equipment back

You are not responsible for putting your weights back where they belong. Other people don’t need to use the equipment after you’re finished so there is no reason for you to put the weights back. While your at it, just leave your used towels on the ground as well. Someone else will pick those up later.

I recommend practicing these techniques each and every time you go to the gym. Work on one skill at a time to build up endurance before moving on to the next. Remember, these skills require consistent practice and proper form. If you’re unsure of your technique, ask the closest Complete Tool your form.

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Comments
One Response to “Your Guide to Being a Complete Tool in the Gym”
  1. Sarah says:

    Dude. This is brilliant. And the video is like the cherry on top of the caramel sundae. Thank you… The blokes at 24 Hour Gym: Swindon really need this post. You have no idea how many complete tools are there. (And they don’t even know what the word “tool” is!) But yeah, like, there was a guy sitting in one of the weight machines doing bicep curls. Classy shit bro.

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